A-Z of ways to expire in Thailand

Welcome to The Thai Pirate's Complete Directory of Interesting Ways to Expire in Thailand. Funny stories welcome, even if false.

A

Aeroplane
Air travel! Safest form of travel. Just don't mention one-two-go.

Chance of fatality - 8/100

Anaconda
A big snake, there are lots in Thailand. But don't worry, kids have baths with them out here! Plus there are lots of Anaconda snake shows, so they must be safe!

Chance of fatality - 5/100

Acupuncture
Aah, the ancient Chinese practice of acupuncture, widely practiced in Thailand for relaxation and pain relief. No reported deaths, ever! Bit weird though.

Chance of fatality - 0.5/100

Agriculture
Responsible for many one limbed Thai labourers, 49% of the countries workforce are employed in some way in agriculture production. Terrifying and dangerous for softy nancy farang who don’t like getting warm.

Chance of fatality - 40/100
Chance of fatality (farang) - 75/100

Alcohol
Bain of the middle aged road user and lazy unemployed Thai, booze is responsible for countless Thai expirations, as well as lots of violence in the homestead. Get drunk, slap the misses and you may wake up as a post-op khatoey. Alcohol causes the recipient to believe they are indestructible, meaning farang are more vulnerable to lots of weird misdemeanours, scams and general deathery.

Chance of fatality - 10/100

Ambulance
Not too much to worry about when in your rear view mirror. Travel far slower than the average Thai road user. Much more dangerous to be in one, or waiting for one.

Chance of fatality - 3/100
If waiting for one - 70/100

Ancestor
The cause of many a Thai soap death, ancestors and other worldly beings are known to materialise and despatch at will. Many Thai's believe in their existence.

Chance of fatality if Thai - 50/100
Chance of fatality if farang- 0.5/100

Animal
Lots of animals in Thailand, and lots of ways to be bitten / infected / crushed. Flee from all.

Chance of fatality - 15/100

Ant
Small and with non-fatal but nasty bite. Don’t let bleeders anywhere near bedroom, or feet at night times. Truly weird ant blog post here.

Chance of fatality - 1/100

Anus
The cause of many farang afflictions and disease, statistically, the anus is perhaps the farang's biggest enjoyment, and worst enemy. Approach with caution.

Chance of fatality - 40/100

Arsenic
A worry to all elder farang species, particularly wealthy ones with young Thai wives.

Chance of fatality - 1/100
Farang (elder) - chance of fatality - 35/100
Farang (elder & wealth) - chance of fatality - 55/100

Ashtray
Favoured weapon of choice by younger, drunken farang. Usually only used in farang on farang crime.
 

Chance of fatality - 3/100

Atomic bomb
Thailand doesn’t own any; and only scuffles with less developed, non-hard countries, who can't afford them either. No worries.

Chance of fatality - 1/100

Attendant
Attendants are caring souls who help direct you into parking spaces pointlessly. Can be grumpy at nighttimes. Will only be provoked to violence if verbally assaulted by farang who quoff at their existence.

Chance of fatality - 9/100

Comments

[Pete, FrogBlogger]

Ha excellent stuff, definitely right about hard work being the major cause of expiring for farangs, the majority in LOS seem to do sweet FA and the mere thought of doing any physical or mental labour is enough to get them into one of those ambulances. At which point their chance of death is 2/3 on, by my calculation!

[Wotchit]

Genius. Look forward to 'B'.

[Wotchit]

Oh, and how do you 'penis-fart' at someone?

[theoldman]

You slippery l'il Pirate. Nice sidestep to escape the fact you really meant scoff.
A dick fart - priceless......

[Mike]

Ben you always deliver, great stuff, but I have to question how long we've had anacondas in Thailand!

Personally i look forward to "F"

[Ben Shingleton]

Pete yes indeed should have had a zero chance of death for farang involved in Thai agriculture, it just wouldn't happen LOL.

To quoff is the latest in slick urban slang, all the cool kids are quoffing (not coughing with a brooklyn accent)

[Ben Shingleton]

Err, Mike, don't we? They do at the shows though? No? Oh. Well, i did say only a slim chance of death, so, fair enough eh?

[Wotchit]

Anacondas are South American. What you have are pythons. What the difference is other than the name I don't know. Anyone? Maybe Anacondas are more passive, so you can mess them about more, like crocs and gators?
Oh, and Atomic Bomb. Not dangerous as long as Thailand isn't down wind of Korea when they go postal. As Kim Jong Il would say: 'Its inrevitable' .

[Catherine]

Mike, what a fun Friday night post!

I don't really know what to say (but I'm just dying to ask a few questions).

[Ben Shingleton]

Wotchit, I think you meant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoF518hBFjU

[Wotchit]

I did, its on my name/URL link. You say 'inebitable', I say 'inebritable'...

[Ben Shingleton]

Cat, if the questions concern penis farts I dont know the answer.

[Martyn]

Ben I like the look of this one, I wish I had thought of it. Will take a regular good look and comment when I'm back in the UK.

[Catherine]

Well, actually Ben... it...

[Catherine]

Ben, I'm a sucker for good design.

And I just wanted to mention that I really like the graphics you are using for this post and elsewhere.

And I'm not sure how I missed it, but your 'The Best Thai Blogs' is quite spiffy too.

As it is so late, I'll save your bunny for tomorrow.

[Ben Shingleton]

Thanks Martyn always enjoy your comments. And thanks Cat, I've been working in multimedia design for too long, but it helps! You can always email me if you'd like any info ;)

[Ben Shingleton]

.... And Martyn I welcome your ideas for 'interesting ways to expire in Thailand', we already have coconut bombs and jackfruit motorway missiles..... All entries welcome. This is very much a directory for the people, by the people :D

[Catherine]

I really, really, should have known that you were in the Design Industry :-)

Email on the way...